Clear Words
by Simos
Summary: RuHana/HanaRu. short fic: few words to give sense at one relationship


Title: Clear Words  
Part:1/1  
Genre: yaoi, romantic  
Pairing: RuHana/HanaRu  
Disclaimer: Kaede and Hanamichi aren't mine!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: a special thanks to Yle-chan who translated this for me… 

This was my first fic (October 2001) and at the moment the only one in english language.  
You can find the italian version in the italian language section.

Please, rewiews! 

I feel uneasy. Kaede is here tonight, but I feel he's distant. He's been acting strangely since a few days ago: he rarely speaks to me (Ok, this is not unusual), and he doesn't look at me either, just like he's trying to avoid me!  
He looks nervous, or maybe embarrassed? What's up with him?  
Perhaps he's got some trouble, but he's not going to tell me about it. He is just like this, he never says things out right, but he can't expect me to understand his thoughts, there are things that even a Genius like me can't do.  
Maybe I'm avoiding the problem. Maybe the problem is "us".  
I try to look at him and again he avoids my stare. I'm afraid.  
I don't want it to end like this. This suddenly born story of ours, we have been living it without questions, without clarifying the situation, without asking ourselves about the reasons why, about the future...and about our feelings too.  
  
_Is this the problem, Kaede? Are we living all of this just to fill our loneliness up? was it despair that brought us together? Were we looking for a little comfort? _  
  
Maybe yes, maybe I was the only one who hoped something deeper could happen between us. _You realized it, didn't you? You can read it on my face, I know it. And you don't like it. Have you already decided everything? _  
The Ice Prince can't waste any other bit of his time with me.  
I'm suffering. As usual, I let myself being overwhelmed by emotions, I took things too seriously, and now I'm gonna pay the consequences.  
_I've shattered your ice shield for some moments, but now you're trying to mend it, you're trying to go away from me... _No! I can't believe this is going to end here! We just started...I have to understand what's going on, maybe I misunderstood...  
"Kaede?"  
"Mph"  
"What's up?"  
"Nothing"  
I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you with my questions, but I have to understand if I don't want to go crazy, so I'm going to urge...  
"I wouldn't say that", I casually reply with sarcasm.  
_You turn your head with a snap, you look angry, but what did I do? _  
"Can't you leave me in peace for two minutes?"  
_How can you do it? How is it possible that your words become blades which pierce my heart? I freeze, I turn and leave you in peace, as you wish. But I feel sick. I feel I'm losing control, why can't I be as cold and detached as you are? I need you, Kaede, can't you get this? With you I learnt to know myself and I'm no more afraid of loneliness, I feel stronger...But all this is coming to an end. _  
My heart is cold, I shiver, warm drops start wetting my face. I move towards the window, I don't want him to see me crying...never! He doesn't have to know the effect he has on me, he doesn't have to know that I love him desperately, that I could do anything to keep him with me...  
  
_Sob_   
  
Damn! I betrayed myself, how could I let a sob out? But maybe he didn't listen, maybe he fell asleep. It must be like this, I don't have to humiliate myself in front of him, come on, Hanamichi, get over this. But it isn't like this...  
"Hanamichi?"  
He put a hand over my shoulder, he makes me turn towards him, I don't even have the strength to resist, but I keep my eyes down, I can't look at him. Now that my condition is evident I can't restrain myself anymore and I break down crying in front of him. Congratulations, Hanamichi, you really are the Genius you proclame to be! Now he can laugh at your feelings, at your weakness...or he will feel pity on you. He puts his hand on my wet cheek to make me raise my face, there's no way out, I have to face his stare. What do I see in his eyes? It is not pity, nor derision, I just see a flash of...panic?! What does it mean?  
  
"Why are you crying, Do'aho?"  
  
Can I answer this question? No, I can't._And you, Kitsune, are you sure you want to know? Silence is my answer. You're not accustomed to it, do you? But even if I knew what to say to you, I don't think I'd have the strength to talk._  
  
"Is it for me?"  
  
_Does your voice tremble, or is it just my imagination? This time there's no need for me to answer, unfortunately my face is not so unexpressive like yours, I can't hide anything. _I turn again, I'm still trying to recover. _But I can't, if I look at you... if you look at me. _  
There's another silence between us, _did my " answer" shock you, Kaede? Does it seem so absurd to you? Probably I'm not the person you thought you knew...I'm so sensitive to the imperceptible changes in your mood... By now, I'm already trapped into your ice shield. You can push me away from you, Kaede, but I'm a part of you. And you can't take this away from me. Now, tell me what you have to tell me, and leave me alone with my sorrow. Or better, just go away, there's no need for words between us, there's never been. It has started like this, and it is ending like this. _  
I feel him moving, he eventually took a decision; why does this agony have to continue? But you're not going away. _You hug me from behind. Are you hugging me? Your head on my shoulder, your hands on my chest...I would like to stay like this forever. Wrap me in your warmth, don't make me think, don't make me think... _I can't understand anything, I only know I don't want to lose him, I need him!  
  
"Please, Kaede, don't leave me".  
Did I say it? Did I really said something like that to him? I'm totally nuts, there's no other explanation. He stiffens, he grabs me by my shoulders and he looks at me again:  
  
"What?"  
  
I see confusion in his eyes, but now he's getting angry. Really angry. He punches me on my face and leaves me almost breathless. I lose my balance, I fall on my knees, I don't have strength enough to get up, I don't have strength enough to react, and then...I can't see, I can't understand what's going on. He grabs me by my collar and looks at me from head to toe. He is furious. With me. But with himself too. He feels discovered, he feels guilty...  
  
"What does it mean, Do'aho? Why should I leave you?"  
  
"And are you asking this to me? It's you...it's you..." I start sobbing again, but my accusation is in the air. He doesn't look like he wants to defend himself, but he looks hurted. He kneels in front of me, his grab becomes a hug. Then he looks at me and says:  
"I can't leave you, Do'aho, you're too important to me"  
For a moment I feel I'm on top of the world. Why did I think that words weren't needed? He's sincere, I'm sure of it. But then why all of this? _Why did you behave like that? _  
  
"Then...why, why all of this?"  
  
Now he's the one not answering. He hides his face between my shoulder and my neck, and starts crying silently. Is my Kitsune crying? My heart skips a beat. May I say that I feel less stupid, more relieved? (all right, Hana, you're not the only stupid, you are a couple of stupid). But it doesn't please me. I don't want him to suffer. I hold him tight, he's here with me, he's in my arms...I'm protecting you, Kitsune. If you don't feel like answering me, then don't do it, not now. Just stay with me...  
  
"Hana-chan, forgive me"  
  
Forgive you? Saying that I'm shocked isn't enough. I'm at a loss of words, and he is too, I feel he's doing a huge effort to find the words...and he is not looking at me.   
"It's all my fault, I hurted you. My behaviour...this evening...these days...I'm an idiot. A coward, I'm just a stupid coward"  
"But what are you saying?" _Coward? What do you mean? _  
"That's right. I'm afraid, Hanamichi, I'm afraid of my feelings. I never felt like this, I always had everything under control, but now...I'm afraid of you, I'm afraid of the power you have upon me, I'm afraid of you, because...I love you"  
"What?". I misunderstood, that's for sure.  
"I love you".  
It's just a whisper. But they are clear words. Clear words. The ones we never said.   
_Do you love me? _  
What can I say? I'm paralyzed. I'm happy. We stay like this, in silence, holding each other. Then I realize that this silence is hurting him. But I can't speak, I can't answer. So, you are the coward?  
"Are you still angry?"  
_Have I ever been? _  
I grab him and kiss him. This is all I can do. _Please, try to understand. _But I know this is not right, I know he's suffering.  
"Can you...can you say it to me once again?" _I need your help! _  
"I love you." This time he is looking in my eyes while saying it, he's still afraid...but he hopes.  
I put my forehead on his, I get lost into his dark blue eyes. Maybe they would give me strength... _Oh, damn! If you could do it, so can I! _  
"I love you, Kaede, I love you nuts".  
He smiles. He's smiling! And he hugs me again, he almost chokes me...but I do not need air, I just need him. I could pass through centuries here, like this, with him. How could we hurt each other?  
"We are two stupid", he says, answering to my thoughts.  
Yeah. You said it, but that's what I'm thinking too. It's good to get along well together!  
Now the silence between us isn't a menace anymore, but a sweet embrace. Just a few words were needed, after all, to erase a thousand doubts, a thousand ghosts. Maybe other will follow, needed as well. But for the moment it is good like this, we are satisfied with just knowing that there's a strong bond between us, a bond we are not afraid to call love anymore.  
We needed just so little. A few words. Clear words.   
  
  
Owari.

So? 


End file.
